Wednesday, 7 September 2011

So you want to go to Hollywood?

This questionnaire is something I read on Bruce Campbell's website 10 years ago. I found it so thought-provoking that it has stayed with me all this time.

I recently wanted to show it to a friend but was dismayed to discover it was no longer to be found on the internet. Thankfully, after some jiggery-pokery involving The Wayback Machine (a website hosted over at, I was able to retrieve a copy.

I think it deserves to be preserved and, if you've ever entertained notions of working in the dream factory known as Hollywood, contemplated.

I hope you find it as interesting and provocative as I did.

Top tip: There's no wrong answers, so be honest with yourself.

Visit Bruce Campbell at: Also, buy his books!

To all good people contemplating a leap into the frigid waters of the entertainment industry, please read the attached questionnaire. I consider this to be a kind of litmus test for those of you with grand aspirations. Read, ponder, act...


Bruce "Mr. Know-It-All" Campbell

I aspire for a career in the film/television industry because:

    a) I need a quick million.
    b) I have personal problems and being rich and famous will solve them.
    c) I failed as a Clinical Psychologist.
    d) I've got show biz in my blood.

My ultimate goal(s) is(are):

    a) To win an Academy Award © or:
    ___1) An Emmy.
    ___2) A Star on Hollywood Blvd.
    ___3) A trip to Disneyland.

    b) To be famous. I will be famous when:
    ___1) I win a Peoples Choice Award.
    ___2) I get recognized at my high school reunion.
    ___3) Everyone on the planet knows and loves me.

    c) To be stinkin' rich. I will be rich when:
    ___1) My phone stops getting cut off.
    ___2) I can buy medicine for little Billy.
    ___3) I can do a leveraged buyout of MCA and cast myself in anything I want.

    d) Both b and c.

    e) To be gainfully employed doing what I enjoy.

My main cultural influences are:

    a) Films where things blow up a lot.
    b) Nick at Nite.
    c) Literature.
    d) Life.

I hope to become involved in this type of project:

    a) Story-driven.
    b) Genre-driven.
    c) Forget it, Mom will drive.

I know I am talented because:

    a) Um, because my friends and loved ones say so?
    b) I know it in my heart.
    c) I received the "Ken and Barbie" award in high school.
    d) I have an extensive resume.

I define talent as:

    a) The ability to do one thing, really well.
    b) The ability to be mediocre at lots and lots of things.
    c) The ability to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
    d) The ability to make my friends think I'm cool.

My unique talent lies:

    a) In front of the camera - I want to act.
    b) Behind the camera - I want to direct...oh yeah, and write too...
    c) In front and behind the camera - I want to be a hyphenated person.
    d) Behind the Auto Parts store.

I define the success of a film by:

    a) How well it does at the Box Office.
    b) How well it is received by the critics.
    c) How hard everyone worked on it.
    d) How many good-looking women/men I met on the crew.

I will be successful when:

    a) I meet the right people.
    b) My new Hummer arrives.
    c) I own my own island.
    d) I get that tummy tuck for Christmas.
    e) Hell freezes over.
    f) Nonsense, I am successful now.

I will fail if:

    a) I don't meet the right people.
    b) Failure is not an option.
    c) Enough people tell me I will.
    d) The odds are too great.

The market price of my soul is:
(hint: you will need to know this at some point)

    a) $1,000,000 in tax-free Municipal Bonds.
    b) 3 magic beans.
    c) I cannot be bought! My self-esteem is priceless!

* Take this test before you ride the rails west.
Hint: There are no right or wrong answers.


The Kid In The Front Row said...

Great questionnaire!

Anonymous said...

Thank you!

Dusty Cress said...

Some how I don't think it's me, I had to think about my answers too long. Oh well. Rest gently please. Dusty

Storm said...

Favourite Bruce Campbell Story; when he and the Brothers Raimi were trying to secure funds for their first films, it often required going out of town. They were always so broke, they could barely afford to get there and never had money to waste on things like hotel rooms. So they would all three go out to a club and turn Bruce and his charm loose on the ladies (As handsome a man as he still is, he was SO fine back then. Yowzah). He'd score a chick, ask if he could go back to her place with her, get her motor revved up... and THEN on the way out, he'd mention "Oh yeah, hey baby, I'm from outta town and I'm with some friends-- can they crash in your living room while I do that voodoo on you that I do so well?" And charming sumbitch he was/is, THEY'D FALL FOR IT. The Raimis STILL give him the business about all the sex they had to overhear. The whole Raimi Empire, built on Campbell's ability to pull chicks. Kinda gives you a warm feeling in strange places, don't it?

Cheers, thanks a lot,